I Did it Again

One thing I don’t have much of these days is time to myself. Between two-year-old twins, a kindergarten son, my husband, and work, there is little time for myself. When I do get some time to myself, it usually comes late at night after everyone is asleep. Which is why I get so frustrated when I fall asleep early.

My kids have always needed someone with them to fall asleep. My husband and I usually conquer and divide–he puts my son down and I do the girls. The problem with this scenario is that I’m laying in the dark after a long day and I inevitably fall asleep the majority of the time.

8:20-I lay down between the girls and sing them a couple of good-night songs. As their rustling subsides and their breathing slows, my mind drifts first to all the things I need to do and then to the things I want to do.

8:31-Baby Girl A is asleep, I’m just waiting for Baby Girl B to nod off. She took a later nap, so I expected this to happen. Almost, I tell myself, don’t fall asleep. Don’t fall asleep. Don’t fall asleep.

8:35-I sit up, thinking I’m good to go, but Baby Girl B rolls over, not fully asleep yet, and reaches an arm out to see if I am still there. I put my head back down on the pillow to give her a few more minutes to fall fully into dreamland. Don’t go to sleep. Don’t go to sleep.  Don’t go to sleep.

8:37-My eyes are getting heavy, but I’m so close to freedom. Two more minutes, I think. Don’t go to sleep. Don’t go to sleep. Don’t go to sleep.

10:43-My eyes open and find the clock glowing across the room. No! My brain screams silently. I did it again! Angry with myself, I quietly slip out from under the blankets without disturbing the sleeping toddlers surrounding me.

Now I’m not going to have any time to spend with my husband, who I can already hear snoring through the door. It’s too late with the time change to talk to my best friend who just moved to Minneapolis.  I’ll do the things that have to get done, like make lunches for tomorrow and take out the trash for pick-up in the morning.  I’ll stay up later than I should doing a few things that I want to do (after all, I just took a two-hour nap), but somewhere around midnight I’ll head back to bed, still dissapointed that I slept another evening away.

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6 thoughts on “I Did it Again

  1. I can definitely sense and empathize with your frustration. Sigh. Parenting takes a lot of time and energy and patience for sure. But I would argue VERY strongly with your sentence: “My kids have always needed someone with them to fall asleep.” I would say that they are used to this, but they don’t need it. Take back your evenings by believing in them–believe in the fact that they CAN and WILL if you commit to the hard steps it’ll take to wean them from your presence at night. It’s worth it, because time with your husband is your sweet reward.

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  2. Your post brings back so many memories; that was my life with my son. This line in particular, stood out, “I sit up, thinking I’m good to go, but Baby Girl B rolls over, not fully asleep yet, and reaches an arm out to see if I am still there. I put my head back down on the pillow to give her a few more minutes to fall fully into dreamland.” I used to get up at 4:30 in the morning just to enjoy a cup of coffee, solitude and writing. Your slice is truly that – an honest snippet of your life. Thanks for sharing!

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  3. I love how you told your story- great visualizations! I always fall asleep when I have to lay down with a kid- there is something about a soft bed and warm snuggly body up against mine… sorry you missed out on your evening 😦 I have asked my husband to wake me up before- lol

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  4. My girls are 11 and 15 now, but I remember those days when I felt like I was at the mercy of whenever my girls would fall asleep. Hang in there! Find some time for yourself, and forgive yourself when you fall asleep! It’s tiring work being an awesome mommy!

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  5. i love the time line too, and the internal dialogue (begging yourself to make it through, then disappointed). what a gift to cuddle with your kids every night – you probably need the rest too! hopefully your body balances out all the different things you want to fit in the day :).

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