Dear Twins…

Dear Twins,

We need to talk. I know that you are now two years and two months old and you feel like you are “big girls” now.  I know that you have ideas of your own that you feel strongly about.  Indeed, one of my goals is to raise you to be strong, independent young women.  But there is one thing that I must put my foot down on, and it’s not up for discussion anymore: diapers.

I am tired of fighting with you over wearing your diapers.  It’s my fault, I know, for allowing you to have “naked baby time.”  I never imagined it would turn into the situation that is has become. I know you experience unparalleled joy when your little fingers peel back the velcro from your hips, allowing you to fling your diaper half way across the room as you shout “naked baby.”  The wind on your bare bum clearly gives you a rush of freedom that causes you to throw back your head, laugh loudly, and run wildly in circles. Unfortunately, naked baby time is not always appropriate or convenient, regarless of what you think.  So here is a list of times and places when diapers must be worn:

Anytime you are going outside, you must wear a diaper-especially when it is raining or below 50 degrees.  As much as you want to help me pull weeds wearing only your sweatshirt and rain boots, that is just not okay.

Anytime we have guests over, you must wear a diaper.  Okay, you’re right, let me be more specific.  Anytime we have non-family guests over, you must wear a diaper.  You can still have naked baby time when your grandparents are over, but I don’t want my friends to question my parenting skills.

Anytime you answer the door for someone we don’t know, you must wear a diaper.  We’re lucky that little girl stayed long enough to sell us Girl Scout cookies!

Anytime you are sitting at the table eating, you must wear a diaper.  I get cold looking at you with your bare bum on your cold plastic booster seats. Plus, it just feels weird to be eating dinner seated between two naked people.

Similarly, anytime you are sitting ON the dining table (which you aren’t supposed to do anyways), you must wear a diaper.  Did you really have to pee on the table tonight?  That is just gross.  At least it was at the spot where you sit and eat, not me.

Anytime your diaper is dirty (aka, more than just wet), you must keep your diaper on.  Feel free to tell me you need a new one and I will quickly oblige.  But do NOT try to remedy the situation on your own by taking off the dirty diaper.  It won’t be pretty.

I think that about covers it.  Now you know. There is no need to try to change my mind, either.  Crying, throwing yourself on the floor, and flailing your arms and legs will not change my mind.  In the above situations, diaper-wearing will be strictly enforced.  Any other time, however, feel free to  partake in naked baby time.

With love,

Mommy

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12 thoughts on “Dear Twins…

  1. I really enjoy your humor in all this and your writing especially. I love the description of them flinging off their diapers and yelling naked baby! I also like how you make them a list of acceptable and unacceptable diaper usage. Reading through it was highly entertaining! Great voice!

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  2. Laughed out loud at “it just feels weird to be eating dinner seated between two naked people”! Great post! Thanks for the laugh! I once had to take my son to the babysitter’s house in town naked. He refused to get dressed and I had to get to school. Plopped him in the car naked. He walked into the woman’s house and her five daughters’ got a bit wide-eyed… he decided to get dressed and we never spoke of it again, nor did he ever do it again.

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  3. Oh, I so enjoyed reading this post! Thanks so much for sharing. My goddaughters are twins, and I do remember some naked baby time, now over twenty years ago. The images of your twins in sweatshirts and rain boots, helping you to pull weeds from the garden – oh, my! I hope you save this to give to them when they graduate from college, or when they marry or have their first child!

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  4. I love this post. The format of a letter is perfect, and you paint such a funny contradiction between their growing desire for independence and freedom, and the need to avoid shocking the neighbors (and keeping the table clean). I’m sure you will have two daughters who know how to make things happen for themselves!

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  5. Oh man! It’s great how you have channeled all that parenting frustration into this humorous piece. I especially like your use of high level vocabulary to the girls. Good luck!

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